Dear Basic Haitians…

…Have all the seats and just shut it!

Now this may seem harsh, but there are few things in this world that bother me more than basic Haitians. For anyone who isn’t familiar with the concept, allow me to enlighten you.

People whom I call basic Haitians are the Haitians who try so hard to dissociate from the country/language or culture but unfortunately their parents called them Ti Marie Dessalines Jean-Baptiste. They’re the ones always trying to prove how American they are, even if sometimes that means speaking the most broken English. And if they meet another Haitian person who can smell the “mayi moulen” from their pores, they get uppity and try to flex with some French words that they struggle to pronounce. Every time I run into one of them, this is me:

liz lemon eye roll

And please keep in mind, basic Haitians are different from Haitians who grew up in a country other than Haiti and never got a chance to learn the language or have never visited Haiti. No, these basic mofos are the ones who are reluctant to tell anyone that they are Haitian until their white friend mentions that s/he loves Wyclef. I’m just so done with them!

So if you know a basic Haitian  or recognized yourself in this post, help is out there. Call 1-800-THÉ-JIROF!

If you’re not ready to accept help, then let me give you a tip. When trying to pretend to be French or Swiss, at least get this one thing right. It’s “je m’appelle” not “Je me rele”!