Is this a date or isn’t it? That is the question (at least when you’re me)

[Disclaimer: This is a humorous recount of a real life event , from my perspective. So “speaking as a completely objective third-party observer with absolutely no personal interest in the matter…” this is exactly how everything happened.  Also, I checked with the person in question and he was totally OK with me posting this]

(Dr. WHO)

(Courtesy: Dr. WHO)

At this point, we know each other well enough that I don’t need to apologize for the gap between posts. I honestly think that it makes you appreciate me a little bit more. If you really think about it, I’m not that funny but because I post sparingly, it increases the hilarity factor. Although this time I have a legitimate excuse, besides the ever-present writer’s block and lack of inspiration.

drum roll cat

I moved (back) to Atlanta. I’ve been wrapped up in moving cross-country (for the second time in less than a year) and haven’t had much time to do anything else but worry about my bank account situation.

(Courtesy: Kevin Hart's Laugh at my pain)

(Courtesy: Kevin Hart’s Laugh At My Pain)

(Courtesy: Chappelle's Show)

(Courtesy: Chappelle’s Show)

That also means that my life is going to be infinitely more boring and I’m not even sure what I’ll have to write about now. Los Angeles was the inspiration for documenting my awkward adventures and there were plenty to be had. But I’m not sure Atlanta will be able to provide the same backdrop (Although it’s already inspired me to write my new post about weaves. Coming soon, which we know may mean next week or in 3 months). Regardless, I promise to do my best but I really think that from now on my blog posts might consist of extremely detailed recaps of “Married At First Sight” episodes. That show is a fascinating train wreck packaged as a “social experiment”. Every time they say that, this is my answer….

inconceivable

Anyways! Before you join me in saying goodbye to L.A for good, let’s dive in to my last great (awkward) adventure there: exclusively dating someone (GASP).

(Courtesy: America's Next Top Model)

(Courtesy: America’s Next Top Model)

I know, I know but now that I’ve been properly interrogated by my family and am emotionally removed from the situation, I figured I would share my experience with the Internet. Plus it might help a fellow awkward girl out there.

So without further ado, I present the first post in the “M series” (if Hollywood can drag out a 270ish pages story and make 2 movies, I can certainly write a few blog posts about a relatively short “relationship”. And yes that was a thinly veiled reference to Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1. So unnecessary and IMO, the movie was wack)

Part I: “Who knew lunch could be such a confusing meal?”

M. and I had a meet cute. He was on business in my building and taking his lunch break. We both walked toward the same table. I really thought about telling him to get lost because it was MY table. (This table had the perfect amount of shade and sun exposure. Plus, I’m actually not that friendly to strangers) But against my natural instincts, I told him that we could share the table since all of the other ones were occupied. That led to an almost 2 hour long conversation during which I learned that this man had terrible taste in sports teams. He was a Lakers fan, had played football at USC and bet against the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

(Courtesy: @SBNationGIF)

(Courtesy: @SBNationGIF)

I know Tom, I know.

Clearly, we were off to a rocky start. When I got up to leave (around 13:45, I remembered that I had more work to pretend to do for that day), he handed me a card with his cell phone number and e-mail and told me to contact him. Now, I’m not the best at reading people’s interest (I’ve been on a few dates and didn’t know they were dates), so I thought “Cool. You just made a new friend. Having a lunch buddy means you won’t spend an entire hour playing Dots.”

So naturally, I emailed him to say that I was excited to start a lunch buddy-ship. ( Note: if you are shaking your head at my cluelessness, this will not be last time in this series). He probably read that email and thought, “Seriously?!?!”. He responded with “Here’s my cell number (again): XXX-XXX-1234” aka “Take a hint woman!”. Hence began our generation’s version of intimate conversation: texting. 

After a week of these sexy little things bubble-feature, he asked me out…to LUNCH?!?!?

(Courtesy: NBC's New Girl)

(Courtesy: NBC’s New Girl)

Here’s the thing about inviting someone to lunch (and please comment below and let me know if this is a personal problem), it’s in this grey area so I never know if it’s a friend date or a date date. Breakfast usually is code word for… and dinner is very clearly a date. But lunch? Lunch is iffy. So all I’m saying is that since he was already aware of my ineptitude at reading signals, lunch was most certainly not the best way to go. Especially when you’re dealing with someone who has the subtlety of a brick wall when it comes to flirting and is about as dense.

But alas that’s the route that he chose, so I can’t be blamed for my behavior pre- and during lunch, but that’ll have to be a story for another day since this post is already over 900 words. Aren’t you glad I’m back? 😉

Talk White to Me?!?!?!?

First, since not a single one of you suggested changes to make this blog more reader friendly, I’m going to assume that it’s perfect.

snape flawlessSecond, did y’all see Dear White People? Wanna put in your 2 cents about the movie? I’m really interested to hear different perspectives.

Now, on to our weekly dose of awkward. Y’all really appreciated the post on speed dating and wanted to hear more awkward dating stories. And while I don’t have a ton of dating experience (read: I have a minuscule amount), all of it has managed to be awkward and/or terrible. I would take responsibility but I promise that it’s always been the guy’s fault.

For instance, there was R. R and I met at a French language meetup which was already a great way to start. I find anyone who makes the effort to actively learn a new skill fascinating and it was a nice bonus that we could converse (In case you didn’t know, it’s converse not conversate) in another language. Plus, he had a dry, sarcastic sense of humor and I am a sucker for that (Note: there is a difference between having a dry sense of humor and being an asshole). So we talked for most of the night and then exchanged phone numbers.

We texted/talked on the phone throughout the following week and set up a food truck tasting date (GASP, I know. People in their 20s actually using a phone to talk). Unfortunately the weather was terrible on the day of the actual date, so we decided to meet up at a coffee shop. My twist-out was on point and I had finally found a pair of jeans that weren’t up to my ankle, so your girl was feeling wicked confident (I apparently have not learned to stop wasting my good twist-out days on bad dates)

So I head to the coffee shop and on my way I get distracted by this incense shop. I walk in and decide to peruse the aisles while waiting for R to show up. He calls to tell me that he just parked and ends up committing the first gaffe (fancy word for blunder) of the date. After I kindly give him directions to the coffee shop and tell him that I’m at the incense store next door, he proceeds to tell me :”Oh no, my ex was really into incense too”

Now if you don’t already know this, bringing up an ex during a date is a big NO NO. But I decided to let it slide. After all, I could see how that might be an alarming coincidence. Yeah… it ended up being the first of many references to this ex. I left the date knowing more about his ex than about close friends of mine, and apparently, her and I had a lot in common.

We both had eyes, a nose, legs and arms. We both liked hummus and sitting down. Oh, and we also both had skin! What are the odds that he would find two ladies that were so similar? And did I mention that they had only broken up 2 months prior, after dating for 4 years?

I wish I could say that was the last of it. But nope. I am a glutton for punishment. I kept talking to this dude but had pretty much decided that we were going to be friends. And then one night, he calls me to check in. During the conversation, he mentions that he’s driving. As a responsible adult, I tell him to hang up and call me back when he’s arrived at his destination. His response: “Oh no, it’s ok. Plus, you sound White which I find soooo sexy. So yeah, just keep talking.”

excuse-me-what-did-you-sayNow that wasn’t an exact quote but it captures the essence of the bullshit he was saying. I would be lying if I said that it was the first time someone told me that “I sound White” (a topic that will be explored in a future post), but seriously, you ignorant fool?!?! (So turns out, he had a dry sense of humor AND was an asshole)

If he had said: “I find your vocabulary, tone, proper use of grammer and overall eloquence attractive”, I might have thought “This dude is weird and may be an unsub, but awwww….that’s really nice”. But no, this dickhead not only made sweeping generalizations about what a person of a certain race is supposed to sound like (aarrgh, this shit irks me so much), but was also making a questionable statement about why he found me attractive.

And if you’re thinking of saying “well certain ethnic groups do use specific slang etc…”, here’s my response:

anigif_enhanced-buzz-22369-1368645998-4

If you’re going to rank factors that influence slang, you should start with time period and geography. There are countless examples of regional slang or decade-specific slang, e.g. 1920s cheaters =  2014 eyeglasses. So while I appreciate your attempt to defend his statement, he actually was just a dumbass.

I practically cut off all communiction after that. He clearly was looking for something that I was not and never wanted to be, and I was not checking for the ignorance he was offering.

It was such a shame too because it started off so promising, but at the end of the day, I’m taking my cues from Kenya and keeping it pressin’.

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Do you have any awkward dating stories or moments? Share them in the comments. I’d love to read them.