I’m a fuckboi, I know. But let me tell you how Becky tried it.

I really am like that fuckboi (gender nonspecific term) that won’t go away, aren’t I? Even after well over a year of zero communication, when you’re happy and thriving, I send you a “how you been?” text. It’s almost as if I’ve sensed that you’re moving on and have to come back and mess with your head one more time.

At some point, we’ll both have to stop torturing ourselves and actually sever ties. Some of you might have already pulled the plug and I cannot blame you (I know I just said that I can’t but I absolutely do. Blame you that is. Because as I mentioned earlier, I’m a fuckboi and that is what a fuckboi does. Tells you one thing when s/he really means something else)

Kanye shrug

Sorry, not sorry. Sidenote: We should all pray for brother Kanye

Some of you might screen my calls but still read my texts.  And despite all of your friends telling you to block my number, you falter and decide to meet up for just 1 drink. We all know where that leads 😉

Beyonce_slick.gif

It’s ok boo. It happens to the best of us

The last few of you are the ones that have kept calling, kept sending the random “hey, hope you’re well” or “just thinking about you and wanted to say hi” texts. And to you I say: “I wish I appreciated you more and gave you what you deserved from me, CONSISTENCY and RECIPROCITY”.  But we both know that I’ll never change. A fuckboi will do what a fuckboi does.

Zoe Kravitz gif

This is what a fuckboi does after they send you a text trying to mess up your whole life

As you reflect on your life choices, wondering which group you belong to and which group you’d like to belong to, let me holla at you real quick and get something off my chest. Because despite my lackadaisical attitude and being completely undeserving of y’all, I know y’all to be great listeners (well readers) and I need to share with you how these wypipo keep trying me.

Kingsley

If you are a Black person in these United States of Amerikkka , you might have experienced being followed in a store, being called a slur (or several if you sit at the intersection of Blackness and Queerness/Transness/Different Ableness etc…), being told that you’re “so well-spoken” (the implied bit is that you’re well-spoken for a Black person) or “Black but not like Black Black” (actually it’s not just in this messed-up country but I’ve already spent a lot of time writing an unnecessarily long intro before getting to my point. Sorry!) You may also find that certain people think that they’ve walked into a petting zoo and you’re one of the main attracttions.

touching hair 2

And sometimes, they just say THE👏🏾 STUPIDEST👏🏾NONSENSE👏🏾AND👏🏾WON’T👏🏾SHUT👏🏾THEIR👏🏾FACE.

white guy talks about having it hard

I mean, just look at the orange shrew, “trigger fingers turn to twitter fingers”, they call their president. This man stays willin’ and says the craziest things. And while it’s easy to dismiss “conservatives whites” or “T***** supporters”, the “liberal whites” aren’t much better. They be saying out-of-pocket things too. Take for instance this experience at the airport in Entebbe.

As we’re standing in line, the security guard tells us to drop our bags and move to the side. We all look on as the guard tries to get a dog to sniff out any suspicious materials. And because people don’t know when to keep their stupid thoughts to themselves, this very blonde, very white woman whispers loud enough for some of us to hear: “But I’m not a terrorist. I mean come on”

the fuckery

Why do y’all insist on being trash? ANSWER ME BECKY!

I wanted to snatch Goldilocks’ non-existent edges. She might as well have said “I’m not Brown y’all. And we all know that only Brown people are terrorists. So let’s stop this charade because I, a delicate white wallflower, should never be considered dangerous.”

Whiteness

Becks, y’all (as in wypipo), are the largest terrorist group. For centuries, y’all have decimated, enslaved, abused, disenfranchised and marginalized entire countries. Y’all continue to kill us – whether we’re sleeping in our homes, walking home with skittles in our pockets, praying, protecting our children, standing in line, listening to music or simply being our authentic selves. You’ve built entire systems to slowly squeeze the life out of us because immediately ending lives wasn’t enough to satisfy your sadistic needs. Let’s not even talk about how you contribute to the destabilization of economies and make them completely dependent on foreign aid while refusing to pay up those reparations (+ compounded interest).

And you (specifically Becks), know that “the preservation of white women’s virtue” has been motive enough to kill Black men and y’all have fully taken advantage of that. You’ve played the damsel in distress, lying and getting our babies beaten and killed. And when confronted with the fact that you uphold white supremacy, y’all are so quick to say “but…but…feminism”

So yes Becks, you do look like a terrorist. Matter of fact, when I think of terrorism, you and Chad are exactly what I think about.

white people are fucked up

PS: Haitians have a saying that goes “Mwen voye dlo, m’ pa mouye pèsonn” meaning “If this ain’t about you boo, then don’t get in your feelings. I’m talking to the ones who need to do better. So please do not #notallwhitepeople this.

PPS: No, I’m not back and will not be doing better. Y’all will just be surprised whenever I decide to come back on here and ramble.

Are you thirsty? Celebrity edition

#FBF…Thought we’d revisit this one as well. I’m only talking about people who are thirsty when it comes to celebrities but I have seen some PARCHED behavior in real life so stay tuned for the regular folk version. Also, turns out I’ve disappointing y’all with long absences for years. I will never change and I’ve accepted myself for who I truly am. I hope you have as well. 

——————–

Welcome back folks! I know I’ve been gone for a while, but I was trying to…you know…have a life. That’s a damn lie I’m just SUPER lazy, which is a terrible trait for a “blogger”. But after getting several reminder messages that it’s been a while since my last post, I decided to sit down and try to write something. After much digging and searching, I found the perfect topic to discuss, thanks to Valentine’s day (and years of scrolling through Youtube comments)

You may be thinking “Oh boy! We’re about to read 500 words of pure bitterness” or “If she starts talking about how much she loves LOVE, I’m burning my computer.” If you are then a) You’re a hater and b) You’re wrong. I wouldn’t do that to y’all. You’re entitled to be bitterly single (or bitterly in a relationship) as well as happily single ( or in a relationship).

If you spent Feb 14th like this:

(via NBC's Parks and Recreation)

(via NBC’s Parks and Recreation)

Or like this:

(via CW's Vampire Diaries)

(via CW’s Vampire Diaries)

Or even like this:

(via NBC's Friends)

(via NBC’s Friends)

…more power to you! I’m not particularly interested in telling you what you’re doing wrong or right. Mainly because I’m definitely doing it wrong.

However, I do think I can lend my expertise to help you figure out if you’re THIRSTY. (My friend and I discussed starting a Youtube channel to talk about this and I really think we did the world a disservice by not following through with that plan).

Now before we can figure out if you’re thirsty, let’s consult Urban dictionary to see what exactly THIRST/THIRSTY means.

Thirst-y (adjective): Pronounced /ˈTHərstē/ — Too eager for attention, desperate

After reading that definition, if you thought, even for a split second that you might be thirsty, chances are, you definitely probably possibly might be. For the rest of y’all, you may be a little bit more stubborn but I’ve got more evidence to present.

Exhibit A: Do you leave these sorts of comments on celebrities’ (or people you don’t know personally) Instagram pages? In light of Valentine’s day, I’m including some personal favorites:

Thirst example 1 O R                    Thirsty comments 2

Side note: that one time you took a picture together after a concert, does not mean that you’re [insert “star” name here]’s soul mate. Leaving comments alluding to the contrary is still creepy. Hate to break it to you boo boo.

Exhibit B: Do you tweet celebrities 19823776655 times a day, hoping that they will tweet back?

Exhibit C: Do you think that a particular celebrity might secretly have a crush on you because they favorited your tweet?

Exhibit D: Do you walk around telling people that [whoever the kids are obsessing over these days] is your soul mate?

Exhibit E: Do you make comments like : “Oh my goodness, please let me babysit.” or “Can you adopt me?” on YouTubers’ videos?

If you’ve even thought about saying yes to any of those questions, then I’m talking to you.

Welcome my child! The first step is admitting that you may have a problem. I just want you to know that there is help.

First step: Thirst Detox! Also known as…

Thirsty

( via NBC’s Will and Grace)

– Stop doing what you’re doing, RIGHT THIS SECOND!

Odds are, if you answered yes to these questions, you’re a 12 year-old Justin Bieber fan and I don’t expect better from you. If you’re not, then we need to re-evaluate your priorities.

I have no problem going old school and throwing a shoe/chancla to knock some sense into you (Caribbean/Hispanic children have survived centuries of shoe-throwing and are better for it! I would just be doing my part)

Second step : See step 1.

There really shouldn’t be more than 1 step to this. Leaving these sorts of comments reeks of desperation.  You’re better than this, or at least you should be.

If none of those steps work, we can always go the Maury route. I can imagine the promo for the episode now: *Maury voice* If you or a family member suffers from thirstiness and would like help quenching your thirst, call 1-800- MAURY. That’s 1-800-MAURY. Call now!

By the way, some of y’all might be thinking, “Well…no offense but you have thirsty tendencies as well. You keep referring to Idris Elba as your hubby.”

And to that I respond, “I’m sorry but you seem to be confused. He belongs to me. [Finish the lyric]”

P.S: If you couldn’t finish that lyric, get your life! And consult this masterpiece. 90s Realness!

P.P.S:  On a serious note, it’s disconcerting to see some of the comments on Youtube videos, Instagram and tweets from “fans”. And a lot of them are from the youths. Kids, I understand that you may strongly relate to these youtubers but telling them that “they mean the world to you” or “no one matters to me more than you” is troubling. There’s a great big world out there. And while everything may feel like life or death right now (believe me, I was a 14-year-old girl once. A highly emotional one at that), it’s not. Admire and enjoy the creative content, find inspiration,  but DO NOT make these STRANGERS your priority in life. There’s a fine line between “thirsty” and stalker, and some of y’all are dangerously creeping towards stalker category. They will (and should) call the cops. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT show up at their house unannounced! (Yes this has happened)

Be like the rest of us. Make them your friends (in your head), but go out and make real friends.