Bruh! Is that you?

Remember when I told y’all about the horrible LA traffic and how it led to discovering the asinine advice that Steve Harvey is giving to women and the confusion (from LA radio stations) about whether or not TSwift counts as hip-hop?  (She doesn’t!)

Well,  it also led to terrible road rage.

This was me most mornings:

road rage 2

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Or

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I mean… I know a large limited amount of curse words and I used all of them. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

So I was more than thrilled to find out that there was a bus line from my apartment to my job.  Clearly this was the solution to my problems. I could nap on my way to work, not spend as much money on gas and let someone else worry about the stupidity of LA drivers.

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(via CBS)

Yeah….turns out there are some..ahem…shall we say characters on public transit. It’s extremely rare that I don’t get off the bus thinking:

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From the White lady who kept yelling that she could be racist too (I must have missed the racism Olympics that day but apparently there was some stiff competition), to the guy who is offended that you think he shouldn’t take up three seats with his bags; this bus offers a variety of distractions from the mundane ride.

Last week, the bus offered some quality…hum… there are really no words to describe it. Let’s just say that it was a visual, auditory but most of all, olfactory experience.

I got off work after a pretty long day and was more than happy to see the bus pull up, right as I got to the stop. I took out my bus card, swiped it and smiled at the bus driver. I scanned the bus but there was only one seat available, near the front. I slid in the seat and nodded quickly at the guy sitting next to me.

After a few seconds, I started to get a whiff of an unpleasant odor. It was still faint so I didn’t worry about it. A few seconds later, smell was getting stronger. After a minute, it was straight up “funk town”.

Now I can’t lie and say that I’ve never forgotten to put deodorant on before heading to work. When that happens, I usually go full-on T-rex for the day and try not to move too much. Y’all know what I’m talking about. When you can’t lift your arms past a 90 degree angle because you’re afraid you might knock someone out with that natural musk?

You know..like this:

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So I tried to do the subtle armpit check to see if I was the source of such a pungent smell.

Ok girl! Pretend you’re waving at someone. Oh no, I don’t think they can see you. Raise your arm a little bit higher and wave harder. Turn your head, like you’re smiling at them because the bus is driving away. Keep turning, keep turning, quick sniff, and stop!

There’s also the “pretend you’re listening to the most hype song and can’t help but rock out” move.

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That one is a little harder to pull off in a public setting though.

Anyways, my quick sniff move determined that I was not the source of the smell. I’m sitting there, thinking, “it might go away after a while.” Nope, it kept getting stronger.

At this point, I’m holding my breath and trying not to pass out, thinking “Oh Lord! I can’t go like this. If I go out like this, my family better lie and say I died saving some cats from a burning building or I’m haunting all of them for the rest of eternity”

Dramatic? Yes!

But y’all weren’t there. It was a full-on assault on all human senses and probably the 6th one that some people claim to have.

As I pulled out my phone to inform my friend of my predicament, homeboy next to me raised his arm to press the stop sign…

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All I can say is…

she wasn't ready(I know Kevin has made an appearance here before, but it’s so relevant)

I definitely, literally  blacked out. 

I regained my composure, got up to let him get off the bus and never sat back down. I couldn’t risk going through that again.

Worse, I couldn’t tell if the smell had rubbed off on the seat.

What if the person who sat next to me after him thought that I was the smelly passenger?

bruh

Nah son! Non merci.

My life in LA thus far…

So these past couple of weeks have been filled with awkward moments, epiphanies and other great little tidbits. LA is already promising to be a city with so much to offer. It’s the kind of city that you either grow to love or hate. It manages to be beautiful and hideous in the same breath, exciting and dull, invigorating and taxing.  Most of the people I’ve met have either been in the “industry” or want to be in the “industry”. And those people always fascinate me. For people who want to be in such a tough business you’d think that they would develop thick skin. But so far all of them have had this visible vulnerability that’s hiding just below the surface. It’s as if their very existence depends on the knowledge that one day they’ll be praised and/or worshipped like demi-gods. For some, that vulnerability will get them far because it will make their emotions palpable through their art. For others, it’ll just make them look extra thirsty and desperate. LA offers such an array of characters and things to do and below is just a short glimpse of the adventures I’ve had this past week:

1. A fairly attractive man struck up a conversation with me outside of Starbucks. He seemed nice enough, had all his teeth at and the conversation was great so I gave him my number. Turns out this negro was a schizophrenic/bipolar rapper.

 

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None of those adjectives are figurative. While mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and he was getting help, there are some things I just can’t foresee taking on at this point in my life. Needless to say, I don’t think that’s gonna work out.

2. I MET ISSA RAE!!!!! And it wasn’t one of those drive-by meetings either. I was attending a live taping of one of their shows and hung out at their office for over an hour. I learned that 1) Issa Rae is absolutely gorgeous, 2) The camera really does add 10 pounds, 3) I’m more awkward than the original Awkward Black Girl, and 4) My voice should never be recorded because that shit sounds irritating! Why have y’all never told me this? Do I go around sounding like this in daily life?

photo(issa)Instead of being a normal human being and asking for a picture, I snuck a creeper/paparazzi pic…Yep, awkward as fuck!

Even with my awkward tendencies and the fact that only 2 people RSVP’d (including myself), I had great conversations and Leslie, from Let Leslie Tell It, is not only internet famous but incredibly funny and thinks quickly on her feet.

photo3. I developed a newfound deep admiration and respect for the genius of Spike Lee. It’s easy to forget how groundbreaking and timeless some of his movies are. I got the chance to go see She’s Gotta Have It (please baby, baby please) and Bamboozled. Bamboozled left me questioning how much progress we had really made as a people. A movie that was made almost 15 years ago was still so relevant to the plight of black actors and black people in media (*cough* Tyler Perry *cough*). After we left the movie, we had to go sit at IHOP and discuss until 2:00 AM. I highly recommend it. (Sidenote: I saw another youtube celebrity at the event and awkwardly thought she was part of my meetup. Yeah….she wasn’t)

This past weekend in Los Angeles was great. I did other non-noteworthy things like learn how to play Spades (don’t threaten to take away my black card. I’m an immigrant, we play dominoes) and went to karaoke. For the most part, the awkward interactions were a little low which was a little disappointing to be honest, but it was packed with great little moments, so I can’t complain too much.