Speed dating anyone?

In the beautiful words of Jay Rock, “I’ve been gone for a minute but now I’m back in this bitch!” That my friends is pure poetry! (Side note: I actually think that song is dope)

But yes, sorry I’ve been MIA. Actually, meh, I’m not that sorry. I’ve been living my life and going through awkward situations for your amusement. I try to be consistent with the biweekly schedule but…

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Anyhow! I’ve heard some feedback about the material that I should post and some of you (read: 2 people) have suggested that I write about my dating adventures. So here I am, awkward and all, trying to date in LA and of course I thought that I should start with speed dating.

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Where do I even begin to explain the tomfoolery that was this event? First of all, it was in someone’s damn living room. Now usually when you think of speed dating, you think bar or restaurant. So imagine my surprise when my GPS proclaims “you have arrived” and it’s in front of an apartment complex. So I’m already thinking “this is some shady, low budget shit” when this other black woman timidly asks me if I’m here for the speed dating event. I tell her yes and I could tell we both felt relief that a) not going to be the only black person and b) decent looking humans signed up for this event. Yeah…nope.

We underestimated how low-budget this really was. They had some “backyard BBQ” type chairs (you know the ones) and of course there were no tables, so you gotta awkwardly move the chair back or try to cross your legs while avoiding playing footsie with your date. And if you don’t know me in real life, let me tell you, I’ve got some long limbs so that second option was impossible. Other Black girl and I kept looking at each other every so often and all we kept thinking was “This is some bullshit. I’m too cute and not nearly desperate enough for this.”

So I had already decided that this was a falsely advertised and slightly ratchet activity, but I was thinking that at least the men who were going to attend would be interesting/not horrendous looking,  judging by the women in attendance. Again, I should have known better. I actually thought about making a run for it right before the event started but I was too far from the door and I didn’t want to abandon Other Black girl. So I was sitting there, thinking “I can’t believe I wore make up and wasted a good twist-out on this” but your girl is an optimist, so I figured let me see if one of these dudes will surprise me and be a great conversationalist. Overall, I had 11 dates and below are my impressions of the gentlemen.

Sir #1 : This man clearly didn’t get the memo that this event was for people in their 20s and 30s. Or he was desperately trying to convince himself and others that he still falls in that category. If that’s the case, “Boo boo, it ain’t working.”

Sir #2: Was a F.O.P (Fresh off the plane) young South Korean man (He told me so). He would have been fine had he not tried to throw every slang/urban word that he had ever heard my way. Boo, just because I’m Black doesn’t mean saying “ya dig” is acceptable. Actually, it’s kind of never acceptable.

Sir #3: Was Urkel’s exponentially more awkward, orthopedic shoe-wearing, pants pulled up to his chest, twin. He was Black so we talked about being Black and other Black things.

Sir #4: Was an older Asian male who outright admitted to not following the age guidelines. Sir, if I can’t trust you to follow simple direction such as “This is event is for people in their 20s and 30s”, then we’ve got nothing else to talk about. Plus, he tried way too hard to prove that he was rich.

Sir #5: Full head of grey hair and probably falls on the Autism spectrum (this isn’t me being mean, he actually couldn’t make eye contact, failed to pick up on social cues and showed other signs typically associated with Asperger Syndrome). He was Russian so I got to practice that one word of Russian I learned from Anastasia, Do Svidaniya.

Sir #6: Looked like a washed-up musician. He was nice enough but he talked most of the time so I didn’t get to really say much.

Sir #7: Probably doesn’t shower. He was a hippie, vegan Mexican. That should have been really cool but there is only some much “natural musk” that a girl can take.

Sir #8: Kinda looked like a predator. Also he decided that he didn’t want to waste time with small talk, which I would have appreciated if he didn’t start off with “Can you cook and what do you cook?” Bitch bye!

Sir #9: If they are ever doing a new movie version of “Of Mice and Men”, he should get the part of Lenny hands down. (Is that mean?)

Sir #10: Was so not memorable that I have nothing written down.

Sir #11: Super awkward. I appreciate my fellow awkward folks but we fell on vastly different side of the awkward scale. Overall, he probably was the best option of the bunch.

Now you may be thinking, “Wow, you’re super shallow/difficult”, “What makes you think the men don’t have something negative to say about you?”. Here’s my answer

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If these guys have something bad to say about me then they too can write a lengthy blog post about it. Despite it all, I did get out of my comfort zone and tried something new. I also learned that I’m going to need to use Google Image to verify the location of an event in the future.

If you enjoyed reading about my speed dating experience, let me know in the comments. Also, give me suggestions on what other dating ventures I should pursue and I shall write about them. Until then, stay awkward.

P.S: I’m trying to get some feedback on the blog. So far I’ve heard that the name is too hard to spell. While my natural, snarky self wants to make some smart-ass comment, I really do want to know if that’s true/hear your suggestions. Also, I’m in the process of making this a little bit more official, so pardon the ever changing look. Until I figure out exactly what I want, focus on the material 🙂

6 thoughts on “Speed dating anyone?

  1. Anonymous says:

    That’s rude that you didn’t give Sir #5 a chance because you thought he might have an Austim spectrum disorder. Who do you think you are?

    Like

    • claireaj says:

      I guess I didn’t do a good job of making that clear. Me pointing out that I thought he lives with AS wasn’t to say that was the reason I didn’t like him. It was to be as descriptive as possible. Ultimately, he was much older and we had very few things in common. He happens to “maybe” live with AS and I pointed it out. Just like I happen to be Black or tall or awkward etc… and I’m sure when describing me someone would point one (or many) of those things out.

      Like

  2. CerealPlease says:

    I love the name. I don’t even save the link because the name is so memorable (it embodies you so well!). And for those who can’t spell it well…Refer to the last graphic you used in this post.

    Liked by 1 person

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