Are you thirsty? Celebrity edition

#FBF…Thought we’d revisit this one as well. I’m only talking about people who are thirsty when it comes to celebrities but I have seen some PARCHED behavior in real life so stay tuned for the regular folk version. Also, turns out I’ve disappointing y’all with long absences for years. I will never change and I’ve accepted myself for who I truly am. I hope you have as well. 

——————–

Welcome back folks! I know I’ve been gone for a while, but I was trying to…you know…have a life. That’s a damn lie I’m just SUPER lazy, which is a terrible trait for a “blogger”. But after getting several reminder messages that it’s been a while since my last post, I decided to sit down and try to write something. After much digging and searching, I found the perfect topic to discuss, thanks to Valentine’s day (and years of scrolling through Youtube comments)

You may be thinking “Oh boy! We’re about to read 500 words of pure bitterness” or “If she starts talking about how much she loves LOVE, I’m burning my computer.” If you are then a) You’re a hater and b) You’re wrong. I wouldn’t do that to y’all. You’re entitled to be bitterly single (or bitterly in a relationship) as well as happily single ( or in a relationship).

If you spent Feb 14th like this:

(via NBC's Parks and Recreation)

(via NBC’s Parks and Recreation)

Or like this:

(via CW's Vampire Diaries)

(via CW’s Vampire Diaries)

Or even like this:

(via NBC's Friends)

(via NBC’s Friends)

…more power to you! I’m not particularly interested in telling you what you’re doing wrong or right. Mainly because I’m definitely doing it wrong.

However, I do think I can lend my expertise to help you figure out if you’re THIRSTY. (My friend and I discussed starting a Youtube channel to talk about this and I really think we did the world a disservice by not following through with that plan).

Now before we can figure out if you’re thirsty, let’s consult Urban dictionary to see what exactly THIRST/THIRSTY means.

Thirst-y (adjective): Pronounced /ˈTHərstē/ — Too eager for attention, desperate

After reading that definition, if you thought, even for a split second that you might be thirsty, chances are, you definitely probably possibly might be. For the rest of y’all, you may be a little bit more stubborn but I’ve got more evidence to present.

Exhibit A: Do you leave these sorts of comments on celebrities’ (or people you don’t know personally) Instagram pages? In light of Valentine’s day, I’m including some personal favorites:

Thirst example 1 O R                    Thirsty comments 2

Side note: that one time you took a picture together after a concert, does not mean that you’re [insert “star” name here]’s soul mate. Leaving comments alluding to the contrary is still creepy. Hate to break it to you boo boo.

Exhibit B: Do you tweet celebrities 19823776655 times a day, hoping that they will tweet back?

Exhibit C: Do you think that a particular celebrity might secretly have a crush on you because they favorited your tweet?

Exhibit D: Do you walk around telling people that [whoever the kids are obsessing over these days] is your soul mate?

Exhibit E: Do you make comments like : “Oh my goodness, please let me babysit.” or “Can you adopt me?” on YouTubers’ videos?

If you’ve even thought about saying yes to any of those questions, then I’m talking to you.

Welcome my child! The first step is admitting that you may have a problem. I just want you to know that there is help.

First step: Thirst Detox! Also known as…

Thirsty

( via NBC’s Will and Grace)

– Stop doing what you’re doing, RIGHT THIS SECOND!

Odds are, if you answered yes to these questions, you’re a 12 year-old Justin Bieber fan and I don’t expect better from you. If you’re not, then we need to re-evaluate your priorities.

I have no problem going old school and throwing a shoe/chancla to knock some sense into you (Caribbean/Hispanic children have survived centuries of shoe-throwing and are better for it! I would just be doing my part)

Second step : See step 1.

There really shouldn’t be more than 1 step to this. Leaving these sorts of comments reeks of desperation.  You’re better than this, or at least you should be.

If none of those steps work, we can always go the Maury route. I can imagine the promo for the episode now: *Maury voice* If you or a family member suffers from thirstiness and would like help quenching your thirst, call 1-800- MAURY. That’s 1-800-MAURY. Call now!

By the way, some of y’all might be thinking, “Well…no offense but you have thirsty tendencies as well. You keep referring to Idris Elba as your hubby.”

And to that I respond, “I’m sorry but you seem to be confused. He belongs to me. [Finish the lyric]”

P.S: If you couldn’t finish that lyric, get your life! And consult this masterpiece. 90s Realness!

P.P.S:  On a serious note, it’s disconcerting to see some of the comments on Youtube videos, Instagram and tweets from “fans”. And a lot of them are from the youths. Kids, I understand that you may strongly relate to these youtubers but telling them that “they mean the world to you” or “no one matters to me more than you” is troubling. There’s a great big world out there. And while everything may feel like life or death right now (believe me, I was a 14-year-old girl once. A highly emotional one at that), it’s not. Admire and enjoy the creative content, find inspiration,  but DO NOT make these STRANGERS your priority in life. There’s a fine line between “thirsty” and stalker, and some of y’all are dangerously creeping towards stalker category. They will (and should) call the cops. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT show up at their house unannounced! (Yes this has happened)

Be like the rest of us. Make them your friends (in your head), but go out and make real friends.

 

Screen-Shot-2014-03-01-at-9.37.08-AM

Let’s NOT ask Steve!

#TBT

Thought we’d revisit this oldie because Steve Harvey really, truly needs to stop thinking that he’s qualified to dole out advice. All he does is peddle respectability politics with a healthy dose of misogynoir. Just STFU Steve!

————————–

Two of the many things I’ve learned while living in L.A. are: a) traffic/commuting are horrible and b) there are no good radio stations. The latter discovery was fostered by my hour-long commute to work everyday during which I get to experience the full gamut of bad pranks, terrible jokes and even worse music selection. I’m sorry LA natives, I gave Big Boy’s Neighborhood a try but it reminded of a less-annoying West Coast version of Jammin’ 94.5’s “Ramiro and Pebbles’ Morning show”. Also, if you include Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off on the “Today’s Hip Hop” list, I can’t take you seriously.

1414429317taylor_bodega

Darth Susan (credit to VSB for the term) = the white woman we should all fear

Or perhaps I’ve been misinformed about Darth Susan’s credentials. After all, I’m sure the tough streets of Nashville and her 6-month stint in New York have throughly prepped TSwift for that hardcore life. I mean, she is now teaching New Yorkers everyday slang. How else would they know what a Bodega is?

wait-you-re-serious-o

My sentiments exactly Silver Fox.

Anyways I digress. Back to the terrible radio programming that LA has to offer.

Every morning without fail, while surfing through all the channels that play the same five-song rotation, I would land on the Steve Harvey radio show. Steve’s show stood out from the unimpressive crowd due to his advice segment, “Ask Steve”. “Don’t have anything better to do with their time” people (mostly women) call in and Steve offers some “wise” answer loosely based on pop psychology, sprinkled with a heaping of sexist hetero-normative bullshit. And the questions are almost always about relationships.

Now if you don’t know who Steve Harvey is, here’s a photograph:

photo

(Photo credit: The Steve Harvey Show website) Them veneers though! Dude keeps his dentist PAID!

Now that you know what Steve looks like, here’s a little relevant info about him (I promise this is relevant to my bigger point):

  • He is a comedian
  • He was the star of the Steve Harvey Show (the sitcom)
  • Hosts Family Feud
  • Has a talk show
  • Has a radio show
  • Has been married 3 times

Somehow all of those things = PhD in Counseling psychology. So, dear cousin currently pursuing this degree [edit: since this was originally posted, she successfully defended her dissertation so you shall henceforth address her as Dr. ], apparently you’re doing it wrong. Steve has not only written a “best-selling book turned box office hit” telling women how to catch a man but he’s making a career out of this, in addition to his comedy.

Some of my personal favorites from the show include [I’m paraphrasing of course because I could never replicate such genius]:

  • If you’re making more money than your man, go home and give him all of it and let him pay the bills. Let your man be the man
  • You don’t want to be a sports fish (WTF?)
  • Be like Ford and give him a 90-day probationary period before he can get the cookie (what grown man refers to genitals as cookies while being completely serious and not addressing a child)

Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why do we keep getting advice from basic ass men who often times are single as heck, thrice-divorced or just plain dumb? Why are people eating this shit up?

1246797_o

I don’t understand what made people like Steve Harvey, Greg Behrendt (of “He’s Just Not That Into you” Fame) or Steve “I might have some serious mommy issues” Ward , the authorities on how women can get a man.

Lack of credentials aside, their advice is usually bullshit. It’s more often than not, dehumanizing and dripping with machismo and male privilege. Recently one of their homies, Steve Santagati went on CNN to mansplain the viral video about street harassment (I have my issues with the video but still…)

.cnn-660x440

Home girl in the middle’s face is absolutely priceless!

I’ve seen some of Steve S.’stuff before and wasn’t terribly surprised about what he had to say. His whole brand is about being a “bad boy” and saying absolutely terrible things about women, such as:

“Let us start with the world’s biggest catastrophe to date, OVERPOPULATION. Women are the ones actually having the children. You can blame religion, education, or the biological clock but it still comes down to one thing, women are having the children and, therefore, are directly responsible for overpopulating the planet. Ssssssh, stop yourself, I’ve already taken stock of the male role; men who impregnate women are idiots too, but this is about ULTIMATE RESPONSIBILITY.”  (Huffington Post, 11/07/2011)

So yeah, this is me when he has anything to say

tumblr_n6pkfi7AgD1rfduvxo1_500

But their crap “advice” aside, I think it speaks to a larger issue that there’s a market for it. We’re clearly consuming this advice in mass quantities and have fostered the success of these people. Are we that desperate to “understand the male psyche” that we’re eating up this garbage and running to the nearest Michaels’ because they’re telling us that vajazzling is the way to make him stay?

Have you ever wondered why all these self-help books are directed towards women? These con artists are taking advantage of the social edict that tells women that they’re incomplete sans man. Forging and maintaining a succesful relationship is completely the woman’s duty. If your relationship isn’t working then you must be doing something wrong and here’s a book for $19.99 on how to fix yourself. Don’t even think about asking your partner (heck, we’re going to just say man because I’m pretty sure these con men assume that all ladies want a man. It’s also implied that he’s cisgender because…duh) to change anything about himself/grow. Fix yourself, please your man and you’ll suddenly be happy.

Go ahead! Type in “Books for men on relationships” in Amazon’s search bar and see what pops up. Nothing. It’s either some book about what it means to be a real man or…you guessed it ladies,  “Ultimate Guide to keeping a man: Lessons on bending like a pretzel in bed, being his maid/mother and disappearing when he’s watching the game, unless it’s to bring him some wings and a beer”. That one is coming to a theater near you in 2017, starring Tom Cruise and Jennifer Lawrence (Because Hollywood: where romances aren’t believable unless she’s a young 20-something and he’s old enough to be her dad’s best friend). Ugh!

Oh, and Cosmo, don’t think you’re off the hook either. I’m convinced that you’re trolling us. You HAVE to be.

B0jlnUoCMAAHYSY

Hum…seriously?!?!? I have no words because WTF are actually not enough!

At least Steve Harvey admits that he started his advice segment for the jokes. My problem is that it should have stayed that way, A JOKE.

So…

Dear (mostly) straight, White guys and Steve Harvey:

Stop saying that you’re an expert on how women can catch and keep a man, as if he’s a Pokemon, because you have a penis.

Sincerely,

An awkward woman who’s already spent way too much of her life buying into this B.S.

P.S: Since listening to Steve Harvey’s irritating advice is what spurred on this blog post, I only focused on male self-proclaimed relationship gurus. However, I feel the same way about the female gurus who offer up the same trite advice (Looking at you Patti Stanger).

P.P.S: Not wanting to listen to your bullshit advice does not make me  a “man-hating, bitter” woman. Like Chimamanda said “Marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support” and I definitely hope to find the right guy to marry one day (hey future boo!). I’m just not going to do it using your asinine, derogatory 1950s mentality. And if that’s what it takes to get a man, then it’s a good thing I’m Catholic (hey convent!)

Also, LA step up your radio game!